Week 27: Flashbacks, a Hospital Dash and a Magic Marker

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“Your baby’s eyes are now partially open and those tiny eyelids are able to blink. Not all baby’s are born with blue eyes. Even though the eyes may have some colour, the final pigmentation requires exposure to light. In some cases the final colour of the eyes cannot be determined with certainy until at least 9 months after birth. Your baby is able to recognise different levels of light, even inside your womb. even though she still has to grow, the little body is getting chubbier as fat is depositing under the wrinkled skin. Muscles are developing some tone as well. She has a 95% chance of survival if born at the end of this week. The lungs are better prepared to breathe but would still need medical assistance.

It may seem bizarre, but you might notice your memory becoming less than perfect. This is due to emotional impact of pregnancy and is often called “pregnancy brain”. The increasing pressure on your bladder will make you run to the bathroom frequently and at all hours. The average weight gain is between 17 and 24 pounds at this point. “– My Pregnancy App- Health & Parenting

This week marked the last week of my 2nd trimester! Yay!

I have to say, despite my fears; the first two trimesters have gone by very quickly! I hope the third continues in the same spirit and doesn’t start to drag! Speed up please! I’m so excited to meet Baby Wood! I’ve cleared my second hurdle! I’ve made it to the third trimester! My next significant marker will be 30 weeks and then 37 weeks. The survival rates get nice and high once you enter the 30’s, something I’m very much looking forward too! And of course week 37 marks you reaching full term- yay!

The anxiety continues!! I’m reaching breaking point now, staying strong and positive is sooooo hard! At least I know I’m not alone. I’m on a baby board (through a popular website) that’s for rainbow pregnancies and I’m comforted to know other mums are in the same position as me. Although I wish them all happy, stress free pregnancies it’s nice to know I’m not the only crazy irrational preggo about!

So Tuesday night, she didn’t really move a lot. That freaked me out. She moves all the time, why isn’t she moving?! Maybe if I have a cold drink and lie on my left hand side… usually this gets her moving after a max of 30 mins… 1 hour later, why isn’t she moving???!!! She’s still not moving! Mr. W comes to bed and says his usual:

“Can I feel her hun? Let me know when she’s moving please…”
“She’s not moving!!!!”
“Oh… when was the last time she moved?”
“After tea, about 7ish, she moved a lot. Almost continuously for 15 minutes then slowing down and stopping after about 20 mins”
“Ok, have you had a cold glass of water?”
“Yes”
“Still nothing?”
“No”
“Maybes she tired hun, your pretty tired today and she has been moving today, hasn’t she?”
“Yes, she normally moves now though as well…”
“I know, maybe she’s changing her pattern? Remember it says as she gets bigger she’ll move less top. Try not to worry hun, I’m sure its fine”
“Yea, you’re right babe… I’m going to try and get some sleep… Nothing to worry about, love you”

And so the worst night’s sleep ever ensued!! I tried to sound nonchalant in front of Mr. W, but definitely did not follow my “It’s nothing to worry about” advice. She did eventually give me couple of lame shoves but I still wasn’t convinced. Mr. W’s alarm went off at 4.45am the next morning and what do you know? She did start moving! In fact she jumped so vigorously at the sound of his alarm that I jumped too! Still the real panic set in later…

I woke up at 7am, had a bath, she moved a little, but just before I was about to leave for work I made my pre-leaving-anywhere-that-has-a-toilet trip to the toilet and I could have sworn I saw the faintest tinge of pink. Looking back, I recon it might have been my brain over working or a trick of the light or something, but in that moment of course I panicked.

I jumped up, rang the hospital, they told me to come in. I rang Mr. W and told him to come home, and then I rang work and told them I would be in later. Less than 10 minutes later we were on our well-worn-out way to the hospital for another trip to the day assessment unit.

Similar to last time, they took my BP, pulse, temperature and urine sample. I was placed on a trace for 30 mins and then checked over by a doctor. And exactly like last time, I was told they same thing.

“You’re BP is fine, a little low, pulse raised but understandable as you’re panicking, temperature perfect. The fetal heart beat is perfect, no sign of any contractions. Your internal was fine. You’re cervix is nice and closed.”

“You can go home now Mrs. W. Everything is looking absolutely fine, we can’t see any sign of blood and baby is nice and happy in there, but as we said last time, you did the right thing by coming in. Please come in anytime you have concerns.”

So we left feeling reassured again. For now.

I made a decision earlier on in pregnancy to use up all of this year’s holiday allowance by booking off various Mondays and Fridays from Feb throughout until I leave work on 30th May, and I’m so glad I did. All the stress is really taking its toll. So much for “once you get past 24 weeks you’ll start to relax”, “once you get to 30 weeks you’ll start to relax”. I’ve even given up saying it as I know it’s not true.

I am looking forward to passing my next hurdles, (as I previously said, survival rates start to climb so why wouldn’t I look forward to this?!) however, the further along I get the more I seem to panic and I don’t really know why! The only thing I can think of is maybe it’s because I know it’s getting closer to the stage where I’ll have to give birth. It’s not the pain that’s worrying me, it’s the memories.

It’s the same time of year as before and the same hospital as before. Everyone else is so excited; all I can think of is last time. How the contractions didn’t stop coming like they were supposed to (Braxton Hicks), the vomiting, the pain ramping up, the realization, the paramedics scoffing at the idea I was in labour and leaving me.

The car journey where I couldn’t sit down; walking down to the maternity ward, ringing the damn bell over and over and some random bloke looking at me and walking off. The being shown into that horrible little room; the heat, the stupid rickety couch bed with the back that kept falling down and people running in and out. 10 people crammed into one hot tiny room, almost everyone ignoring my questions and one little sweet student midwife trying to coach me through breathing.

And that was just the start. It wasn’t happy ending, it was a horror story, no wonder I’m panicking really.

I have to believe it will be different this time but it’s not that simple. People mill around me smiling, talking about how excited they are. I’m excited too but fear is ruining the moment. I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy but I think that ship has sailed. I can take comfort in some things, feeling her kick, stretch and wriggle is amazing, but all I really want is to have her here in my arms now.

I have 12 weeks until my due date (16/06/14); if she’s late I have 14 weeks to go (30/06/14). She will be here by July. July can’t come quick enough!!

Symptom wise I’m still feeling nauseous on and off but I’m unsure whether that’s through stress and fear or an actual symptom. My pelvis and back continue to get worse, I’m hoping it’s a phase and will get better again like it did a few months ago! Craving wise I haven’t really had any, let alone any weird and wonderful cravings, except a few days ago at work whilst labeling some boxes I suddenly found an overwhelming urge to lick the end of my magic marker pen- obviously I didn’t- but it smelt damn good!!

Highlight of the week? Working a 3 or 4 day week is heaven!
Low of the week? I’m tired of being stressed and worried

 

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