1. As your hands will always be full of baby, your mouth will become your most valuable tool. You will use it for everything from carrying items to opening containers and turning on lights.
2. Formula milk tastes rank, breast milk tastes better, neither tastes like milk.
3. At some point, no matter how careful you are, you will accidentally hurt your child. And you will cry more than them.
4. If you and your partner wish to have sex again, you’ll have to learn to do so whilst trying to block out the gurgling noises your baby is making in the cot next to you.
5. You will still have time to bath and shower but will develop “cry psychosis”- a condition parents develop in which they believe they can hear their child crying so jump out of the shower only to discover that said child is fast asleep…
6. Nothing will ever prepare you for cleaning poo out of a tiny vagina.
7. Breastfeeding gives you a really really really dry mouth. Nothing will quench your thirst.
8. It will take you 4 hours to watch a 30 minute episode of Eastenders.
9. You will have “Poo-Fear” and will be terrified of going to the toilet for days after you give birth.
10. You will be scared that your post-birth vagina resembles the look and texture of an empty carrier bag… You will be pleasantly surprised to discover that is not the case.
11. You will function on 2 hours sleep and will function well.
12. Expressing milk is just not that simple. Sometimes you could hook those jubblies up to an industrial sized dairy milker and STILL nothing will come out.
13. Your baby will be hungry/have wind/need a nappy change/be generally in a bad mood every time you sit down to eat tea.
14. You will wake in the night and check that your child is still breathing. A lot.
15. People will STILL give you unwanted advice.
16. Breastfeeding will make you have contractions, which is weird. But it means your uterus will go back to normal quicker, which is awesome.
17. Baby poo will be the main topic of conversation between you and your partner; colour, texture, consistency, regularity. You will get to the point where you can’t remember a time where you didn’t discuss and check out every single crap your child has.
18. You will have dark thoughts about your partner at 2am… How can he sleep so peacefully through all this noise?!
19. You will also love your partner more that you thought possible- How did we make something so perfect and beautiful?!
20. People will want to know ALL the details of your labour. ALL the details.
21. Other women will check you out like some sort of show pony after you’ve given birth to judge how fast/slow you have lost/are losing your baby weight.
22. No matter how hard you try baby clothes CAN NOT be folded properly.
23. The precious few hours you spend away from your child for the first time will be spent swaying between giddy excitement and gut-wretching worry. You will then spend most of the time talking about your baby.
24. You will google EVERYTHING at the start. And freak out over the results.
25. Napping when the baby sleeps is almost completely impossible.
26. Someone will buy your child a disgustingly noisy toy- you will want to kill that person.
27. When shopping for yourself, you will find yourself irresistibly drawn to baby shops where you will spend all your money on your child and get nothing for yourself.
28. You will live in fear that everything and anything is out to hurt your baby- towels, cots, blankets, night lights, heat, cold etc.
29. 6am is a lie in and you will awake feeling refreshed. You will then brag to all your child-less friends how awesome it is that your baby sleeps until 6am and they will look at you like your completely insane.
30. After all that, you will still love every second of it.