Things I would rather do than spend a minute in Perez Hiltons company (unless in that minute I was given a free pass to kill him)


1. Start a lesbian relationship with Katie Hopkins.


2. Spend a night in a Turkish prison.

3. Bleach this guys arsehole.


4. Scrape out someones crusty fungal toe nail infection.

5. Go round and collect all the discarded used plasters from my local public swimming pools without wearing gloves.


6. Sit in a hot steamy bath while my husband takes a colossal dump in the toilet.

7. Eat this sandwich…


8. Give a lion a hug whilst wearing a waistcoat made entirely of raw meat.

9. Complete this jigsaw…

Yes this is an actual jigsaw!

10. Take a nap on an anthill.

11. Get stuck in a lift for a day with this guy…


…Or this guy…


… Or any of these guys…


12. Have all 4 wisdom teeth cut through at the same time.

13. Let my 6 year old niece and my 2 year old nephew cut my hair with pinking shears.


14. Introduce myself as “Barberrella, Goddess of Light, Gods chosen vessel to spread the word of Love & Prosperity to all of his beautiful children” to all new people I meet for the rest of my life.

15. Step on an upturned plug every morning for the rest of my life.


16. Lick a hand rail at a train station.

17. Pay for the weekly shop with coppers while at least 5 different shoppers queue behind me.


18. Attempt to skin and gut a rabbit with my bare hands.

19. Listen to the Frozen sound track on repeat for 72 hours.


20. Clean up my daughters spit up with my tongue.


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