So, curse me, my kid watches TV. Whilst I’d love to jump up and say we aren’t ruled by digital means, that would be a lie.
Phones, iPads, TVs, Video games and online surfing all feature heavily in our home (we do read a lot too, we’re not complete droids).
I applaud the parents that blanket ban all media from their young child’s lives in favour of more educational means but I’m a realist. We live in The Digital Age. There’s no escaping it forever.
Plus, sometimes it’s nice to have 20 minutes to cook dinner without trying to stop the toddler clinging to your leg from burning themselves on the cooker.
And so, my child watches TV.
And so, as a result, I’ve happened upon a few different childrens programmes.
And so, I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you the reasons why *prepare yourself now the next few words you read may shock you to your very core*
I HATE PEPPA PIG.
1. George Pig is a cry baby
He cries when he loses, he cries when he doesn’t get his own way, he cries when he misplaces “Dinosaawww!” he cries, he cries, he cries!
2. Mummy Pig needs to get a life
She’s a passive aggressive bitch. She bullies poor old Daddy Pig relentlessly making him feel fat and useless at every possibility, and mocking him in front of the kids and her parents equally.
She claims to have a job but after 4 series were yet to learn what this “job” is apart from the fact that she has a computer in a room…
Wikipedia doesn’t even know (seriously check it out!) I’m lead to believe she just spends all day online shopping or possibly trolling face book and Twitter accounts- which would explain her sullen nature.
It takes the whole episode for her to finally crack a true smile, at which point the rest of the family are so shocked (or possibly relived in Daddy Pigs case) that they pass out on the floor…
3. Daddy Pig is pretty fat and useless
Bringing us smoothly to the undeniable fact that Daddy Pig is pretty fat and useless. While I’m always rooting for the under dog- and under he bloody well is, under the angry, presumably hormonal hoof of Mummy Pig and her crushing regular belittle-lings- he doesn’t make things easier for himself!
Daddy Pig- stand up for yourself! Gain some confidence! Do whatever it takes to stop you being such a clumsy oaf 90% of the time.
Don’t let the ENTIRE family (in one memorable episode) including your inlaws take the piss out of you by using the words “Daddy’s Big Tummy” as a password!
Don’t let them take the piss out of you by burying you in the sand, up to your neck (urm, turn of the century torture method anyone?) and then bogging off to the shops, leaving you there in the sand alone with only a straw hat for company.
Don’t let them take the piss out of you for falling into a pond on a cold autumnal day, when all you were doing was trying to retrieve your child’s ball. They should be helping you out and handing you a towel not laughing at you!
You are a hard working, lovable man who tries and tries and tries to please your family, despite their obvious indifference for your feelings. Show them that you really won’t take it anymore!
4. George Pig really should have seen some sort of speech therapist by now
It doesn’t take a doctor to tell you that his speech really should have progressed past “Dinosaawww!” by now. Not to mention the fact that I can’t say the word dinosaur anymore without hearing it in my head in George Pigs irritating voice.
Are they dead?
Did they fall out?
Maybe they didn’t approve of the marriage to Mummy Pig?
Maybe Daddy and Mummy Pig are actually brother and sister, so Grandpa and Granny Pig are his parents too?!
Maybe Daddy Pig is some kind of clone pig and, thus, has no parents?
6. Peppa Pig is a rude little twat
I can’t be the only to have noticed this!
Not only is she the bossiest little cow that ever did exist, she bullies her baby brother constantly, whinges when she loses and she’s rude to her parents.
She regularly body shames Daddy Pig for his “big tummy” which is fairly below the belt in my opinion. Every time she brings it up I want to punch her in the snout… Or maybe that’s because after giving birth twice, I acutely feel Daddy’s pigs pain over his less-than-perfect-body-part.
All this AND she does one of my most hated mannerisms in a child- stamping her feet when she doesn’t get her own way.
7. “Everyone loves jumping in muddy puddles”
Yes, everyone except the parent who has to clean the muddy wellies, wash the muddy clothes and clear up the mud that’s found its way all through the house and car. Bravo Peppa Pig.
8. Grandpa Pig is an insufferable know-it-all…
And doesn’t he make sure Daddy Pig knows that he knows it all?! And thus, knows that Daddy Pig actually knows nothing?! At least we see where Mummy Pig got it from. Dick.
9. Miss Rabbit… When does she sleep?
She works at the coffee shop, the aquarium, as a bus driver, a supermarket assistant, a librarian, a helicopter pilot, a firefighter, an ice cream seller, a shoe shop assistant, a nurse, a car crusher, a ticket seller and a china shop worker.
Maybe she has a secret drug habit and needs thousands of jobs to pay for her thousands of drugs or maybe she’s just trapped in a cycle of paying out so much for pro plus pills that she needs more work and she needs more pro plus pills to ensure she does all her work?
She should probably speak to one of her multiple Union reps. Or a doctor.
10. All the animals are the same size
Elephants are the same size as pigs, pigs are the same size as rabbits. They either live in a world where elephants are tiny or rabbits are monstrously large.
And some animals are unfathomably still animals- like Polly the parent and Goldy the goldfish.
11. There are hills everywhere and everyone inexplicably lives on the top of one
So, why then, is Daddy Pig on the chubby side? Surely hiking up a major hill everyday would strip off the pounds?
12. Why is George Pig called George?
All the other characters seem to have names that start with the first letter of the type of animal they are- Peppa Pig, Zoe Zebra, Rebecca Rabbit, so why is George Pig called George and not Peter, Patrick or Paul?
13. Everyone has a convertible
Is there only one car dealership in Peppa Pig world and unfortunately, that car dealership only sells convertibles?
It can’t be because it doesn’t rain in Peppa Pig world because we know it does, fairly regularly.
So why all the convertibles?!
And now you know.
This is why I hate Peppa Pig.
Now for the flip side, Peppa Pig keeps The Lamb (albeit momentarily) entertained which is fantastic when I have jobs to do that simply can’t wait. So she does watch it.
Imagine my horror when I discovered that Nick Jr. Too pretty much just plays Peppa Pig. I didn’t know whether to praise them for giving me 5 minutes of peace or curse them into a fiery oblivion…
But by God, I have got to the stage where I’d rather let her watch Mr Tumble- I hate that guy too, but at least his programmes have a slight educational value to them!
My first TV viewing choice for The Lamb remains the same, and currently is The Twirly Woos. At least they don’t drive me insane… Yet. Though I can’t quite understand why the Very Important Lady needs to knock so loudly on the door, but that’s a post for another day.