Category Archives: Parenting

Parent Confessions:

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Because secretly we’re all a bit shit sometimes…

NB: Some of these may or may not be me

1. Once I was too tired to bath my child, so I wiped her down with a pack of baby wipes and sprayed perfume in her hair.


2. I have, in an act of desperation, used the palm of my hand to wipe dribble and snot from my child’s face before entering play group.


3. I have given my child cereal for tea. A lot.


4. My child thinks that parks shut when it rains. 


5. I hate other people’s children…


6. My child believes there is a man at the super market who comes and arrests naughty children who aren’t sitting nicely in the trolley.


7. When my child was around 18 months old, if I was hungover we would play the “Where’s the ?” game, which would literally entail me sat on the sofa under a blanket, asking her to find and bring me as many items as I could think of. We would then play the “Put the *** back” game, which would be her putting the various objects she had brought me back in the right place. If she got them all right she got a piece of my hangover chocolate.


8. I have dropped my mobile on my child’s head while breast feeding. Twice.


9. The first time I took my child shopping sat in the upright chair, I looked down and caught her licking the hand bar.


10. I once caught my kid eating biscuits from the dog bowl

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Today, Mummy and I… #Week 1

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… Made a pillow bed! 

So here’s the first post of mine and The Lambs new segment entitled “Today, Mummy and I…”. The idea is, each week, me and The Lamb will post our creative projects / day trips etc for you all to see and enjoy!

As it’s the first week, we’re weaning in with something easy and we decided to make a pillow bed! This is ridiculously easy to do and The Lamb loves it! 

Honestly, I got the idea from seeing how much Connie loves my mums dog bed (and strops when she’s told to get off!) so I thought I’d make her her own non-dog version!🙊🐥

All you need is:

*4 pillow cases 

*4 pillows

*A needle and thread or sewing machine

(It’s useful to have some pins to hold the pillow cases together while you sew but it’s not essential).

Time taken to complete: 30-60 mins (depending on your sewing skills)- a lot quicker if you have a sewing machine!

Difficulty level: Easy

For our pillow bed, we decided to sew the pillows together in a large square shape, but for older children you may want to sew them together one under the other, to create a more “traditional” bed shape so taller children can stretch their legs out! 

1. Take two pillow cases and line the longer sides up next to each other- pin together if necessary and sew! 

  
*Make sure the opening that you put the pillows into are both facing the same way*

2. Take the next two pillow cases and repeat as above!

3. Next, sew the two pieces together. Again, make sure the openings for the pillows to go in are facing out. (If you’re doing all four pillows in a row it doesn’t matter what sides the openings face!) 

4. Finally, stuff the pillow cases with pillows, chuck on the floor and watch your little one dive on! 

  
 
Connie really loves her pillow bed. It was really straight forward to make and is easy to wash and store. It was worth the time and me and Mr W got some new bed pillows thrown into the bargain 👍🏼 so everyone’s a winner! 

Granted, this project didn’t take much of Connie’s input- I did let her chose the pillow cases out of our old jumble of linen!- but she really appreciated the bed all the same and has spent hours lying on it since and reading her books or chilling watching the tele! ☺️

First project successful! Not too bad for a human dog bed! 😉

Next week… Valentine’s Cards ❤️

Pepper Pig is a Tw*t

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So, curse me, my kid watches TV. Whilst I’d love to jump up and say we aren’t ruled by digital means, that would be a lie.

Phones, iPads, TVs, Video games and online surfing all feature heavily in our home (we do read a lot too, we’re not complete droids).

I applaud the parents that blanket ban all media from their young child’s lives in favour of more educational means but I’m a realist. We live in The Digital Age. There’s no escaping it forever. 

Plus, sometimes it’s nice to have 20 minutes to cook dinner without trying to stop the toddler clinging to your leg from burning themselves on the cooker. 

And so, my child watches TV. 

And so, as a result, I’ve happened upon a few different childrens programmes. 

And so, I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you the reasons why *prepare yourself now the next few words you read may shock you to your very core* 

I HATE PEPPA PIG. 

1. George Pig is a cry baby



He cries when he loses, he cries when he doesn’t get his own way, he cries when he misplaces “Dinosaawww!” he cries, he cries, he cries!

  
I understand he’s a baby, but isn’t this just teaching children that it’s ok or even normal to cry when things don’t go exactly your way? It’s just sending a bad message in my books.

2. Mummy Pig needs to get a life

She’s a passive aggressive bitch. She bullies poor old Daddy Pig relentlessly making him feel fat and useless at every possibility, and mocking him in front of the kids and her parents equally. 

She claims to have a job but after 4 series were yet to learn what this “job” is apart from the fact that she has a computer in a room… 
Wikipedia doesn’t even know (seriously check it out!) I’m lead to believe she just spends all day online shopping or possibly trolling face book and Twitter accounts- which would explain her sullen nature.

It takes the whole episode for her to finally crack a true smile, at which point the rest of the family are so shocked (or possibly relived in Daddy Pigs case) that they pass out on the floor…

  
She needs some girl mates and some vino, pronto. 

3. Daddy Pig is pretty fat and useless

Bringing us smoothly to the undeniable fact that Daddy Pig is pretty fat and useless. While I’m always rooting for the under dog- and under he bloody well is, under the angry, presumably hormonal hoof of Mummy Pig and her crushing regular belittle-lings- he doesn’t make things easier for himself! 

Daddy Pig- stand up for yourself! Gain some confidence! Do whatever it takes to stop you being such a clumsy oaf 90% of the time. 

Don’t let the ENTIRE family (in one memorable episode) including your inlaws take the piss out of you by using the words “Daddy’s Big Tummy” as a password!

  
Don’t let them take the piss out of you by burying you in the sand, up to your neck (urm, turn of the century torture method anyone?) and then bogging off to the shops, leaving you there in the sand alone with only a straw hat for company. 

Don’t let them take the piss out of you for falling into a pond on a cold autumnal day, when all you were doing was trying to retrieve your child’s ball. They should be helping you out and handing you a towel not laughing at you!

You are a hard working, lovable man who tries and tries and tries to please your family, despite their obvious indifference for your feelings. Show them that you really won’t take it anymore!

4. George Pig really should have seen some sort of speech therapist by now

It doesn’t take a doctor to tell you that his speech really should have progressed past “Dinosaawww!” by now. Not to mention the fact that I can’t say the word dinosaur anymore without hearing it in my head in George Pigs irritating voice. 

  
5. Where are Daddy Pigs parents?

Are they dead? 
Did they fall out?

Maybe they didn’t approve of the marriage to Mummy Pig?

Maybe Daddy and Mummy Pig are actually brother and sister, so Grandpa and Granny Pig are his parents too?! 

Maybe Daddy Pig is some kind of clone pig and, thus, has no parents?

  
 

6. Peppa Pig is a rude little twat

I can’t be the only to have noticed this! 

Not only is she the bossiest little cow that ever did exist, she bullies her baby brother constantly, whinges when she loses and she’s rude to her parents.

  

She regularly body shames Daddy Pig for his “big tummy” which is fairly below the belt in my opinion. Every time she brings it up I want to punch her in the snout… Or maybe that’s because after giving birth twice, I acutely feel Daddy’s pigs pain over his less-than-perfect-body-part.

All this AND she does one of my most hated mannerisms in a child- stamping her feet when she doesn’t get her own way.

7. “Everyone loves jumping in muddy puddles”

Yes, everyone except the parent who has to clean the muddy wellies, wash the muddy clothes and clear up the mud that’s found its way all through the house and car. Bravo Peppa Pig.

  
 

8. Grandpa Pig is an insufferable know-it-all…

And doesn’t he make sure Daddy Pig knows that he knows it all?! And thus, knows that Daddy Pig actually knows nothing?! At least we see where Mummy Pig got it from. Dick.

  
  

9. Miss Rabbit… When does she sleep?

She works at the coffee shop, the aquarium, as a bus driver, a supermarket assistant, a librarian, a helicopter pilot, a firefighter, an ice cream seller, a shoe shop assistant, a nurse, a car crusher, a ticket seller and a china shop worker.

  
 
It’s a little OTT. I can only think she survives on a diet of pro plus pills and modafinil. Either that, or shes actually committing some kind of fraud but I can’t quite work out how…

Maybe she has a secret drug habit and needs thousands of jobs to pay for her thousands of drugs or maybe she’s just trapped in a cycle of paying out so much for pro plus pills that she needs more work and she needs more pro plus pills to ensure she does all her work? 

She should probably speak to one of her multiple Union reps. Or a doctor.

10. All the animals are the same size



Elephants are the same size as pigs, pigs are the same size as rabbits. They either live in a world where elephants are tiny or rabbits are monstrously large. 

And some animals are unfathomably still animals- like Polly the parent and Goldy the goldfish.

  
 

11. There are hills everywhere and everyone inexplicably lives on the top of one

So, why then, is Daddy Pig on the chubby side? Surely hiking up a major hill everyday would strip off the pounds? 

  
 
Leave the car at home for a week Daddy Pig, you’d soon shift that “big belly”! But in all seriousness whats the deal with all the hills? They should all have calves of steel by now. 

12. Why is George Pig called George? 

All the other characters seem to have names that start with the first letter of the type of animal they are- Peppa Pig, Zoe Zebra, Rebecca Rabbit, so why is George Pig called George and not Peter, Patrick or Paul?  

  

13. Everyone has a convertible

Why? 

Is there only one car dealership in Peppa Pig world and unfortunately, that car dealership only sells convertibles? 

It can’t be because it doesn’t rain in Peppa Pig world because we know it does, fairly regularly. 

So why all the convertibles?! 

  
 

And now you know. 

This is why I hate Peppa Pig. 

Now for the flip side, Peppa Pig keeps The Lamb (albeit momentarily) entertained which is fantastic when I have jobs to do that simply can’t wait. So she does watch it.

Imagine my horror when I discovered that Nick Jr. Too pretty much just plays Peppa Pig. I didn’t know whether to praise them for giving me 5 minutes of peace or curse them into a fiery oblivion… 

But by God, I have got to the stage where I’d rather let her watch Mr Tumble- I hate that guy too, but at least his programmes have a slight educational value to them! 

My first TV viewing choice for The Lamb remains the same, and currently is The Twirly Woos. At least they don’t drive me insane… Yet. Though I can’t quite understand why the Very Important Lady needs to knock so loudly on the door, but that’s a post for another day.