Tag Archives: humour

Parent Confessions:

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Because secretly we’re all a bit shit sometimes…

NB: Some of these may or may not be me

1. Once I was too tired to bath my child, so I wiped her down with a pack of baby wipes and sprayed perfume in her hair.


2. I have, in an act of desperation, used the palm of my hand to wipe dribble and snot from my child’s face before entering play group.


3. I have given my child cereal for tea. A lot.


4. My child thinks that parks shut when it rains. 


5. I hate other people’s children…


6. My child believes there is a man at the super market who comes and arrests naughty children who aren’t sitting nicely in the trolley.


7. When my child was around 18 months old, if I was hungover we would play the “Where’s the ?” game, which would literally entail me sat on the sofa under a blanket, asking her to find and bring me as many items as I could think of. We would then play the “Put the *** back” game, which would be her putting the various objects she had brought me back in the right place. If she got them all right she got a piece of my hangover chocolate.


8. I have dropped my mobile on my child’s head while breast feeding. Twice.


9. The first time I took my child shopping sat in the upright chair, I looked down and caught her licking the hand bar.


10. I once caught my kid eating biscuits from the dog bowl

Types of Mums You Meet at Baby Groups

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Sixteen months in and it’s safe to say I’ve been around the block with these groups. 

It’s bizzare that while we all have one massive thing in common- our kids- we’re all completely different in how we parent. 

Baby groups can be worse than the play ground, so I’ve complied a list of the stereotypical mums you’ll find most commonly at these groups and what to avoid saying with each one. 

Of course, some mums are a mix of a couple of stereotypes and some might not fall into any category but you can bet your last quid that you’ll have met a few of these…

The Crunchy One

She’s one of the most obvious to spot. Baby will most likely be carried in a sling, wearing cloth nappies and probably having a drop of boob. Organic is the only option and coconut oil will fix everything. 

She gave birth at home with no meds and a doula. She would never buy or dress the baby in anything mainstream and little Cosmo quite possibly will be dressed in hand me downs or second hand clothes that were definitely not made in China. 

Co-sleeping is the way forward and circumcision should be punishable by law. She will be homeschooling her kids. 

Her child is completely Baby-Led. Baby led weaning, baby led napping, baby led boob feeds, baby led bed times. 

Amongst the most hardcore of the group are the anti-vaccers and herbalists. 

Do not mention routines, mainstream purchases or recycling.

  
The Designer One

Dressed to the nines, her and her LO look immaculate leaving you to wonder how she does it? Does she keep tons of crisp, clean, ironed reserve clothes in the car in order to change herself and baby as soon as any speck of dirt touches them? Or does she actually have the only toddler in the world who isn’t a magnet for dirt?! I don’t know… I’m still trying to work it out.

This ones quite easy to spot. Mother and Daughter might be wearing matching clothes. The child will most definitely have something “pretty” on and her hair will be adorned with clips and hair bands. 

Her and Designer Dad spent about 2k on Paola’s first birthday party alone; which included a Pinterest perfect birthday cake, a professional photographer, a baby sensory party and about £500 worth of balloons. Of course, all the decorations matched to perfection, down to the personalised party boxes for the kids. 

Paola’s presents included a mini Lamborghini with a personalised number plate, a new puppy and several thousand pounds worth of designer clothes that she’ll grow out of in a month. 

Do not mention gender stereotypes or attempt to buy anything that isn’t pink for the girl.

  
The Fun One

This is the one who gets down and plays with the kids and not just plays but absolutely loves playing! This one is most likely found running after a child that’s screaming in delight, possibly dressed in gym gear.

She can be a bit full on but all the kids love her and little Lucy and Charlie go to support her and Fun Dad at marathons and charity fun runs every weekend. 

Fun Mum will be active at all future school events and will probably volunteer to go on all school trips as she just can’t bear to parted from her children for a moment.

Do not mention discipline. 

  
The Gina One

This one has followed The Book from day dot. Her toddler is massively routine based. 

She credits Gina Ford with her child sleeping through early and won’t mess with routine for shit. 

She doesn’t come to any groups/coffee meets which could interfere with nap schedules or snack times.

Do not slag off routines in a negative light. This woman’s world runs on routines and she loves it. 

  
The Knackered One

Baby does NOT sleep through. This is evident from her appearance, mood and probably because she’s sat there yawning her head off. 

Millie wakes on the hour, every hour and has done so for the past 18 months. I’m just impressed she managed to get dressed in the morning. 

Do not mention sleeping or sleep training or routines- she’s probably tried everything. 

  
The Silky One

She’s the opposite of The Crunchy One. Baby will be pushed around in the latest Bug-a-boo, formula isn’t thought of as poison and circumcision is a must. 

Max has slept in a crib or cot from the word go in his own room and will be weaned on jars and most definitely not home schooled. 

The Silky One opted for an elective caesarean, Max’s vaccinations will be up to date and she doesn’t home cook.

Don’t mention how great you felt for  giving birth medication free.

  
The New First Time Mum One

She’s a worrier. She’s a bit insecure. If baby starts crying she panics and promptly shoves a dummy at baby- causing The Judgey One to raise her perfectly arched brow. 

Little Bertie is only 8 weeks old so she’s new to the game and doesn’t know what to expect or what she’s doing. 

She’s terrified of messing up. Be nice to her. Complement her. Tell her she’s doing a fab job. (We were all her once).

  
The Mum With 3 Or More

I love this one. She doesn’t give a shit what you think. She’s raised at least 3, maybe 4 or 5 and knows what she’s doing. 

She knows she’s not perfect and doesn’t try to pretend otherwise. Her kids are probably wrestling in the corner or running around having a whale of a time, while The Judgey One and Competitive One look on. 

The Mum With 3 Or More doesn’t care though. She’s just happy they’re giving her 5 minutes to drink a cuppa in peace. 

Her house is covered in Lego and Play Dough and more often than not she co-sleeps just to get some much needed peace. 

No need to avoid any topics, it’s an open house.

  
The Judgey One

Blossom and Artie are perfect. Perfect. They have never had a temper tantrum or any kind of faux pas in public, so when your kids having an off day and decides instead of clapping along to the music she wants to go over by the door and inspect the contents of all the prams, she looks at you in disgust. 

The Judgey One always has her child’s hair perfectly gripped in place so if you’re unfortunate enough to have a child who likes to pull out hair grips you’re out of luck. The Judgey One will eye your child up like she’s a hardened criminal and poor Blossom will milk the incident for all its worth while your left looking and feeling like a bit of a tit. 

You won’t be invited to any play dates or birthday parties in future when she checks out your little hooligan but rest assured, 10+ years down the line when your kids are all at secondary school, your child will come home one day and casually mention that Blossom has fallen pregnant and that Judgey Dad has had an affair and left Judgey Mum. Not so perfect after all. 

Don’t mention well, anything, really. 

  
The Harassed One 

If you see her be nice (I’m probably in this category and maybe a bit Scrunchy). Chances are her child is going through an uncooperative phase and she’s not quite managing to get anything done. She’ll probably arrive late to the group or will have forgotten something. 

Her kid may be quite high maintenance, vocal, boisterous, nosey and probably doesn’t pay much attention to Mummy in public. No the child doesn’t have ADHD and no the mum isn’t useless at discipline, she’s just decided there are some battles she doesn’t need to win. And screaming at a child in public isn’t fun, not to mention that it doesn’t work and leaves you looking like cock.

Avoid talking about how well behaved your child is. 

  
The Domestic One

She’s a full time stay at home mum, she goes to baby groups daily in between keeping a spotless house and baking. 

She probably has a vegetable patch and a rich husband.

She’s a bit Crunchy but not enough to be a full on Crunchy mum, she’s a Scrunchy mum, which is a mixture between Crunchy and Silky. 

She uses eco friendly disposable nappies and shops at Waitrose but recycles and bakes her own snacks for baby. 

They holiday abroad three times a year, have a Merc and Grace and Henry attend a variety of music and sports classes. 

Do not ask her if she gets bored. 

  
The Kind One

She’s lush. She doesn’t judge. She smiles at everyone and never mentions milestones or routines or sleeping through or formula. She laughs when your kid knocks her kid over and says “Don’t worry!” She’s a rare creature, so if you find her befriend her and dear god, don’t let her go! 

  
The Competitive One

Julie is 9 months old and can already count to 10. In French. Grayson is 5 and plays Beetovens Symphony 9 to perfection on the piano. They are both district champions at Gymnastics and were walking at 7 months old. Slept through from birth. 

Did you know Grayson’s been shortlisted for MENSA? Quite surprising considering he’s sat in corner with one finger up his nose and the other stuck in a wedge of play dough whilst staring vacantly into space… In all seriousness she’s not that bad- just uber proud of her kids. 

Don’t mention any milestones in front of her. 

  
The Corporate One

Rarely seen at an actual baby group, she’s mostly seen picking the kids up from holiday clubs or any type of club which doesn’t involve mummies direct participation. 

She has a hands free stapled to her ear, wears a crisp dry cleaned suit and her nails are perfectly painted. She mainly communicates by hand squeezing and pointed stares at the kids, as she’s still on the phone. 

You wonder how she found the time to actually get pregnant by Corporate Dad, who you see every now and then and your sure he hasn’t the slightest clue which kid is his as he appears to collect them. 

Maybe they synced iPhone calendars and had their secretary schedule a 5 minute coffee break between big-important-business-meetings and they had a frigid quickie right there? With hands free still intact, of course. 

You don’t need to avoid any topics with this one as you most definitely won’t get the chance to even have a conversation with them.

  
The Dad 

Now I know it’s a post about mums but you can’t forget the Dads. The Dads are great. 

They tend to be nervous at first, and you can’t blame them really what with the mental array of women on offer at these things, but once they’ve been a few times they happily get stuck in with all the fun. 

All the fun, none of the bitchiness. Must be the Y Chromosome. 

Avoid talking about anything too womanly. Men get scared in social groups at the mention of episiotomies and breast pumps. 

Although you will find that frightening type of Dad (I call him Far Too Open Dad) who will merrily discuss his poor wives hemmeroids and ask if your boobs are still tender and how many stitches you had. 

  
The Grandparents

They’re awesome. Chances are monkey music and baby sensory classes didn’t exist 30+ years ago and if they did, they probably wouldn’t have had the time or the money to take their kids so they relish doing it with their Grandkids! 

Not much to avoid here, they’re usually quite friendly.

  
So did I miss anyone?

Pictures all from Google

Things that I haven’t done for a year and probably won’t ever do again…

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As Connie comes up to 1 years old (Yes, ONE WHOLE YEAR- where did that go?!) it’s got me thinking how my life has changed in this last year, which got me to thinking about all the things I haven’t done and probably won’t do ever again…

1. Lie around on the sofa or in bed all day dying of a hangover.

Or as I used to call it, Sunday. These days are long gone. Even if I did ever have a hangover there would be no lounging about to cure it! 

2. Spontaneously go out. 

This I feel ill never do again until all my children have flown the nest and, actually, it’s one of the only things I miss from pre-Connie life- simple spontaneity! 

I can’t go anywhere or do anything without packing the-whole-world or forward planning that someone can watch Connie.

3. Read a story about a sick child/dying child/tragedy involving a child. 

I just can’t do it. Can’t even open the article. It opens a world of possible heartbreak and at least a week of nightmares.

4. Get stark bollock drunk.

Now there have been occasions in the last year where I have been child free and therefore free to let my hair down, and I’m not saying I haven’t been tipsy- I have and after almost 2 years of sobriety it was quite lovely- but proper old school drunk? Nope. 

Some memorable events include a wedding, birthday, leaving do and work do and yes, I drank and yes I had fun but for some bizarre reason I don’t seem to have reached that stage that I would have, after consuming the same amount of alcohol before. It’s like there’s this weird switch that stops the alcohol penetrating past a point. I’m not going to lie, I hope it sticks round. I definitely do NOT miss the next day “cringing at flashbacks” horror moments I used to experience! And, of course, it’s not like I can nurse a hangover the traditional way (see point 1!)

5. Lie in or even sleep a whole night undisturbed.

Now I’m super lucky, I have a sleeper, but apparently after having a child your brain simply doesn’t care that your baby is sound asleep and therefore you can sleep; it would much rather have you lying awake for hours on end, for reasons unknown, and play EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT AND WORRY EVER through your mind over and over and over until finally allowing you 45 minutes of stress-induced nightmarishly-hot sleep, before your lovely baby wakes bright and breezy wanting to play… Fun. 

And even when I’m child free, the illusive lie in still escapes me. Me and hubby went for a meal a few months ago and stayed in a gorgeous hotel for the night. The bed was lush. It was like a perfect cloud, the finest cotton and the cosiest mattress ever had had a three way and produced THE BEST BED IN THE UNIVERSE. I actually rolled over twice and still didn’t find hubby who was somewhere across the continent on the other side of the bed at the time. That night I lay on Gods own pillows, lost in Egyptian cotton and started peacefully zoning out. My last thought was that my first thought upon waking would be what an amazing nights sleep I had, and with that I drifted off to sleep…. And awoke abruptly at 5.25am, as wide awake as I would have been if someone had yelled in my ear.

Why, oh why? Damn you mummy brain!

6. Gone to sleep for the night with make up on.

This may be as a result of point 4, which was the main cause of sleeping with a face full, however, I HAVE most definitely spent whole days- possibly even weeks- without even putting make up on. 

7. Arrive late.

Ugh, the mere thought of being late now upsets me hugely. Pre-baby I could pretty much be counted on to be late, now, I’m usually early! 

I also can’t stand it when other people are late. If I can arrive on time looking presentable after taking care of a baby and possibly bringing baby plus plethora of baby goods along too, why can’t you? 

8. Get sick.

You can’t be sick when you have a baby that relies on you. Period. 

9. Lie in the garden with a book sunbathing

Sun+Baby=Constant Burn Worry. Plus my daughter has developed a delightful habit whereby as soon as I sit down she starts to moan. I am not allowed to sit in her presence unless it’s on the floor next to her playing. 

10. Stop worrying.

Everything is a potential danger to your precious bundle of joy. 

Towels- suffocation hazard.

Small object- choke hazard.

Book case- crushing hazard.

Cup of tea- burn hazard. 

Cleaning materials- chemical hazard.

Soft play centre- germ hazard.

Ok so that last one is a bit over the top but you get the general idea! 

11. Stop smiling.

Every day is filled with love, smiles and laughter… And the occasional temper tantrum but mostly, it’s all good! 

12. Leave the house without a bag full of baby goods.

Sippy cup, bottles, bibs, rattles, teething granules, nappies, wipes, nappy cream, spare onesie, emergency dummy and in the last 6 months, snacks. 

It’s even worse if your going somewhere overnight, travel cot, sheet, dolly, piglet, white noise machine, sleeping bag, many many bath items, bed time onesie, possibly story book, tooth brush, tooth paste, hairbrush, outfit for next morning which can be adapted to suit weather, possibly a giant bag of toys… The list goes on…

I wonder what I’ll be adding to this list in another years time?! 🙂 

A Day In The Life Of A Mum With An 11 Month Old…

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Wake up to the sound of a baby babbling away, get up and run to the bathroom as suddenly desperate for wee.


Baby babbles get louder- You must make a bottle.


Trip over the cat who insists on following you everywhere but at the same time manages to get in front of you where ever you’re going.


Walk into the lounge, notice that giant cobweb across the mirror (that was there yesterday and the day before and probably the day before that)- make a mental note to get rid of cobweb today.


Walk into the Kitchen and stick the kettle on to boil. Get a cup out.


Make up the bottle and put it on to cool. Make up cup of tea. Go to baby who is now intermittently babbling and shouting “MAAA!!! MAMAMA!!! MAAAAA!”


Baby is up and bum changed, milk drank and sitting in high chair waiting for breakfast.

 
(Butter wouldn’t melt!) 


Breakfast flies across room. Pick breakfast up from floor and place back on high chair. Repeat 6 times.


Clean baby. Clean highchair. Hoover crumbs from floor.


Pull clothes on, slap make up on, strap baby in pram. Walk to baby messy play group.


On the way out the front door notice plants need watering, add this to the job list.


Baby eats glitter, foam, paint and covers me with glitter, foam and paint.


Leave messy play, go shopping, go home, put baby down for nap.


Walk past cobweb, make a note to get rid of cobweb… Thinking of cobweb reminds you to water plants- you must do that before baby wakes.


Put on a load of laundry, notice cold undrunk cup of tea from this morning. Tip away and stick kettle on to boil. Make fresh cup of tea.

  

Make bed.


Put all toys back in toy box, make baby’s lunch, notice the kitchen floor needs bleaching- make a mental note to bleach the floor.


Step on the cat- that damn cat- empty the bin.


Finally sit down with cup of tea, take one sip, hear baby cry.


Go and get baby up, put baby in highchair.


Give baby lunch. Lunch flies across the room. Pick lunch up from floor and place back on high chair. Repeat 6 times.


Clean baby. Wipe highchair. Pick larger crumbs up from floor with hands.


Step on small sharp toy and yell out in pain. Startle baby.


Baby falls over. Baby gets scared. Comfort baby.


Trip over cat whilst holding baby. Curse the cat which causes baby to cry again.


Put a load on to tumble dry. Whilst removing washing from machine remember floor needs bleaching.


Go to toilet, followed by baby and cat. Baby screams when being removed from bathroom.


Baby has pooed. Change bum. Notice we’re using the last nappy bag- make a note to buy more nappy bags.


Walk past cobweb- must dust cobweb.


Baby has found a shoe and is licking shoe. Take shoe from baby. Baby cries. Distract baby with phone. Try to take phone back from baby. Baby screams. Give up, let baby have phone.


Trip over cat- for Gods Sake that bloody cat!!!

 
(That bloody cat!) 


Baby has pooed again. Change bum. Shit no nappy bags- must buy nappy bags.


Take out tumbledrying, fluff and fold.


Go to wash out and refill sippy cup, turn around and see baby has got hold of all folded laundry and thrown it on floor.


Sit down with baby. Play game with baby. Baby gets grumpy, time for babys next nap.


Start to tidy toys away whilst baby follows behind you laughing and pulling toys all back out.


Baby is asleep- peace.


Use time to eat food undisturbed and finally drink cup of tea.


Sit back on the sofa and have cat sprawl across your lap 2 minutes before baby wakes back up.


Baby is awake and shouting.


Walk into lounge carrying baby and spot cobweb over mirror. Realise with a stab of annoyance that you forgot to get rid of cobweb, water plants and clean kitchen floor.


Put baby in pram and walk to park. Walk past dying plants and resolve to sort them out tomorrow.


Stop at the shop to buy bits for dinner.


Come home and start preparing dinner.

 
(Loving the swing!) 


Switch rapidly between chopping vegetables and comforting baby who has chosen this time to become extra clingy to you.


Step on cat who has appeared behind you meowing instantly as baby continues to whinge.


Give up and stick on In The Night Garden.


Enjoy 20 minutes of quiet time in which you manage to prepare dinner and get it in the oven.


Husband comes home and points out the giant purple paint mark that’s been down your face all day.


Realise with embarrassment that you’ve been to the park and the shop and have spoken to other people with paint mark down your face.


Give baby dinner. Dinner flies across the room. Pick dinner up from floor and place back on high chair. Repeat 6 times.


Notice carpet now has another stain on it to accompany the other 12 stains from thrown baby food. Resolve to clean carpet throughly.


Don’t bother cleaning baby- it’s bath night. Wipe the tray of highchair. Ignore crumbs on the floor.


Run bath. Bath baby. Get covered in water.


Baby screams when removed from bath.


Wrestle with baby for 10 minutes whilst trying to dry baby, put nappy on baby and onesie on baby.


Give baby bottle.


Try and brush baby’s teeth. Baby grabs toothbrush and starts chewing the wrong end.


Baby rubs toothbrush on cat. Baby cries when you take toothbrush away.

 
(Toothbrush lover!) 


Baby is asleep.


Clean. Tidy. Clean. Tidy. Clean. Speak to husband.


Give cat a guilty stroke and apologise for standing on it and shouting at it throughout the day.


Sit down and watch 30-60 mins of telly before feeling insanely tired and decide to go to sleep.


Check on baby before turning in and decide you have the most beautiful, awesome, clever baby in the world.


Lay in bed, look at clock. It’s 9.15pm. Marvel at the fact that you used to be able to stay up until 11.30pm without a hint of a yawn.


Just before falling asleep, remember you still need to get rid of cobweb, water flowers, clean kitchen floor, buy nappy bags and clean carpet…

Messy Play

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Today we went to messy play at our local children’s centre. 

They lay out lots of different “messy” things for the children to play with and lots of sensory bits for the smaller ones, today’s offerings; painting, drawing, chalk boards, an area for making Easter cards, a craft area to make Easter baskets, a table with all the ingredients to make cornflake cakes, a large pit full of flour and shaving foam, a tray full of coffee granules and some cotton wool balls.

I stripped off The Lambs clothing and she set off to explore! First area to check out- the shaving foam pit! She wasn’t to bothered by this to tell you the truth. She tried to eat it, didn’t seem to realise it wasn’t food, and continued to try and eat it. I tried to sit her in it like some of the other babies were doing and she flat out refused to to put her feet in! It seems my child did not want to get messy…

Next, she crawled over to the coffee tray, licked up a handful of coffee granules, gagged and made her way swiftly over the cotton wool balls. It seems coffee is not as tasty as shaving foam… Who’d have thought it?!

The cotton wool balls were not a success either- she picked one up and dropped it like it had given her an electric shock and scooted away with a terrified look on her face.

Next, we headed over the painting area where she was not impressed with my vague attemps to get her to do some foot prints. Instead we settled for a mixture of finger painting, smearing paint all over me and eating the paint. Although eventually, with some help from mummy, she created this masterpiece…

  

After a quick dunk and wash in the soapy washing up bowl, we bypassed the chalk board (I’m pretty sure she would have chowed down on an entire chalk stick) and went over to the cornflake cake area.

Many a delighted “ooohhhhoooo” followed when she realised she’d finally found something edible and happily munched on some chocolate covered cornflakes while simultaneously smearing chocolate over me and beating me with a metal spoon that, interestingly, became her favourite find of the day.  

Refusing to part with the aforementioned spoon, we avoided the basket making area (scissors! 😳) and made our way to the card area. 

Cardboard, pritt-stick, tissue paper and glitter are all apparently edible and its perfectly understandable for The Lamb to want to eat all these items… 

 

(On reflection, I probably should have done the chocolate area after the craft area… The chocolate round her face acted as kind of a glue which the glitter then stuck too) 

I had forgotten all about the beauty of glitter, and how even a hideously tiny speck of it will follow you around for a lifetime, but I was soon reminded later that day when I found some in my pants… Yes MY PANTS! How the hell?!… Let’s not go there…

Anyway, thus ended our day at messy play. I prized the spoon away from The Lamb, wiped her over, put her clean clothes on and she looked passable. 

On the other hand, there wasn’t much to be done about me. A quick check over and I was covered in foam, paint, chocolate and glitter. 

I learnt a few things from our first experience at messy play:

The Lamb doesn’t like to get very messy… Yet. But had a lovely time eating everything (edible or not) and watching the other children. We will definitely be going again.

I need a new bra… My comfy casual black go to bra has finally seen its day and, as I discovered to my horror, can no longer be trusted to contain my nipple. 

Thankfully, my top was high neck so the poor children did not have to experience the terror of an escaped nipple bobbing about over their chocolate cornflake cakes. However, when I looked down to check how much chocolate had been smeared on my top it was pretty obvious that my nipple was roaming around free lance under there, and so, every minute from then on was spent checking and repositioning my stupid bra. 

To make matters worse it was just the one boob… Is that better or worse? I think worse?! I imagine from the onlookers perspective it must have looked like I had a really lopsided uneven pair of tits, and I promise you I don’t. They’re actually alright, the only part of my body to escape pregnancy and still be considered ok… I now feel like my tits have been done an injustice to be portrayed in such a way. Anyway, moral of the story? A good supportive bra must be worn to baby classes or failing that a sports bra.

I have also learned to check my face before leaving messy play. It was only upon catching a glance at my reflection in a shop window AFTER going into several shops did I realise I actually had a very noticeable, very large, very purple line of paint down my face. Joy. 

Until next time… ☺️

Things I would rather do than spend a minute in Perez Hiltons company (unless in that minute I was given a free pass to kill him)

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1. Start a lesbian relationship with Katie Hopkins.

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2. Spend a night in a Turkish prison.

3. Bleach this guys arsehole.

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4. Scrape out someones crusty fungal toe nail infection.

5. Go round and collect all the discarded used plasters from my local public swimming pools without wearing gloves.

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6. Sit in a hot steamy bath while my husband takes a colossal dump in the toilet.

7. Eat this sandwich…

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8. Give a lion a hug whilst wearing a waistcoat made entirely of raw meat.

9. Complete this jigsaw…

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Yes this is an actual jigsaw!

10. Take a nap on an anthill.

11. Get stuck in a lift for a day with this guy…

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…Or this guy…

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… Or any of these guys…

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12. Have all 4 wisdom teeth cut through at the same time.

13. Let my 6 year old niece and my 2 year old nephew cut my hair with pinking shears.

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14. Introduce myself as “Barberrella, Goddess of Light, Gods chosen vessel to spread the word of Love & Prosperity to all of his beautiful children” to all new people I meet for the rest of my life.

15. Step on an upturned plug every morning for the rest of my life.

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16. Lick a hand rail at a train station.

17. Pay for the weekly shop with coppers while at least 5 different shoppers queue behind me.

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18. Attempt to skin and gut a rabbit with my bare hands.

19. Listen to the Frozen sound track on repeat for 72 hours.

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20. Clean up my daughters spit up with my tongue.